A Simple Thing! I NEED FEEDBACK

Okay. I wrote this myself. It just came to me, literally! I was looking at the screen and it just CAME to me, like a snap of a finger. lol Give me feedback, good or bad. idc.
A Simple Thing

I don’t belong
In Such A Place
Where Dreams
Are Not Accepted
I’m Bored To Death
Of Nothing New
But Innocent Repression
Do I Belong To Fear
Itself Or Am I Just
Depression. I
Think I Learned
My Lesson Once
My Dreams Make
No Impression

the way you split that up is really annoying, ngl.

i think it has potential, but it's a bit clichéd at times. my favorite line is "do i belong to fear itself or am i just depression," but i'm not sure where it belongs in the poem.

i'm confused as to what the poem's about. is it about the poet's feelings towards the oppressive world, or is it about the world itself and how it affects the people living in it? i think at first it's to be about the world, but then you seem to transition into this awkward limbo of how the person feels, which could perhaps be because of the first line, but i don't think you've expanded enough on what the world is really like.

and where does the fear come in? you only give one line on it, but i thought it was the most thoughtful line. you could really turn this into a three stanza poem. i think if you expanded more, it would be really nice and pensive. right now, i feel like it's too brief. it feels more like an idea than a real poem yet.

it does remind me of "a dream deferred" by langston hughes, one of my favorite poems. check it out.

sorry if this is too analytical for you, i'm part of the literary magazine at my school and this is what we do with every submission so i'm kind of in that mindset.

If you split it up it would be even better.

allie bby wrote:the way you split that up is really annoying, ngl.

i think it has potential, but it's a bit clichéd at times. my favorite line is "do i belong to fear itself or am i just depression," but i'm not sure where it belongs in the poem.

i'm confused as to what the poem's about. is it about the poet's feelings towards the oppressive world, or is it about the world itself and how it affects the people living in it? i think at first it's to be about the world, but then you seem to transition into this awkward limbo of how the person feels, which could perhaps be because of the first line, but i don't think you've expanded enough on what the world is really like.

and where does the fear come in? you only give one line on it, but i thought it was the most thoughtful line. you could really turn this into a three stanza poem. i think if you expanded more, it would be really nice and pensive. right now, i feel like it's too brief. it feels more like an idea than a real poem yet.

it does remind me of "a dream deferred" by langston hughes, one of my favorite poems. check it out.

sorry if this is too analytical for you, i'm part of the literary magazine at my school and this is what we do with every submission so i'm kind of in that mindset.

Actually, it really helps. I'll take your advise and try to expand on it. Thanks.

you're welcome
i love literature so if you ever need any kind of help, i'd be glad to assist youuuu.

allie bby wrote:you're welcome
i love literature so if you ever need any kind of help, i'd be glad to assist youuuu.

you would be a fantastic editor. your assessment on the piece was very well written. I am on the newspaper, and I can't bear rejecting peoples hard work lol. but I am more of the journalist.

i love writing and editing. i'm probably better suited for editing than writing because i'm just a very critical person, but writing is more fun.

i don't mind rejecting work, but i ALWAYS give constructive criticism so that people understand what wasn't so great. improving is the most important part.

I mean, I'm good at English, I have one of the highest marks in English in my grade, but I dont like going through things and proofreading them. Not my thing.

I love writing. I like writing articles. But the editor gave me a column! Yay! I prefer being a columnist than a reporter because it's fun and you can write about whatever you want.

i would looooooove to be a columnist. that's exactly the type of articles i write.

i like editing literature more than articles because literature is more about making sense of the piece, trying to decipher it and its flaws. so it's more interesting. it's analytical reading.

allie bby wrote:i would looooooove to be a columnist. that's exactly the type of articles i write.

i like editing literature more than articles because literature is more about making sense of the piece, trying to decipher it and its flaws. so it's more interesting. it's analytical reading.

dude. you're my new favorite person. lmao i need people to edit my writing.

Well, i loooooooove being a columnist. I write about what it is like to be a female athlete (all of the others can't or don't write). But it is really fun. The goal of my column is to raise awareness that female sports teams DO exist and that we can be just as good as the boys, possibly better.

But if you were an editor where would you want to work? A magazine? Newspaper? Publisher?

oh i'd love to write a column like michelle slatalla did for the new york times style, it was so clever. it wasn't really about anything, just daily experiences.

a magazine or a newspaper if i went into fashion editorial. random house if i went into literature editing.